My fiancé came into my life at a time when I was not ready. You can counter this and say that we are never really ready for the little surprises that life will bring our way, but I was really not ready. He and I often talk back on the first few weeks of our lives together. We laugh about it now, but he was angry with me then.
He came at me too fast and I had a wall around me that I was not ready to let anyone get beyond. I went out with him and then I avoided him. I lost my cell phone during a road trip and took that as an out because I didn’t have his number anywhere else other than that phone. But then I saw him and I was drawn to him. I had to beg the boy to give me his number again. He assumed I thought I was better than him and tossed his number aside as I had tossed him. He was hurt and he was angry. I was scared and I wasn’t ready to be in another relationship.
Even when I started to give in and decided to give us a chance, I waffled. We went on a few more dates and then we moved in together. I still waffled. He proposed. I still waffled after asking for time. A month later, I said yes and I still waffled. I went back and forth, back and forth trying to decide if I wanted to be in such a committed relationship and if I wanted to be married. I doubted. I doubted my ability to be a good wife. I doubted his ability to be a good husband. I doubted our ability to communicate with each other. I doubted everything.
Getting married is a beautiful and lovely thing, but I couldn’t dive into the wedding until I was sure the marriage was going to start on a healthy foundation. We started marriage counseling with our pastor and I started having serious conversations with friends that were married, friends that wanted to get married and a few people that I knew had gone through a divorce. I questioned everything and I listened and I still continue to do so.
When I finally broke free of enough doubt and was content and happy with becoming this man’s wife, I could finally start to think about the wedding that would start our married life. My wedding day is not a production or a party. It’s an induction. And in order to be properly inducted into this life, I needed people with me that knew what I was getting into. For that reason, I chose a Matron of Honor and Bridesmaids that were married. These are women that have marriages that I look to for inspiration and guidance. They have had successes. They have had failures. They have had issues that threatened to tear them apart, but they are still standing. They are happy and they have no regrets about walking down the aisle. Will they always feel that way? Who knows. But today, they are my support system and they are who I need.
None of them are family and none of them have known me longer than 12 years and I have no regrets about that. Everyone likes to fantasize that their wedding party will be made up of their sisters and childhood friends. Often that is the case. But if you really want to see this as the start of a marriage and not just a wedding, you have to ask if sisters and childhood friends are really what you need. In my case, it is not.
I get questioned about this choice a lot. So many want to know if my sisters are upset with me. My answer is always and will always be the same. I am doing what I need to do to give my marriage the best start it can have. There are no doubts about that.
